The Birthday Blog
Age twenty-seven sounds so grown and real, doesn’t it? Each time I say my new age aloud, it feels like I’m telling a lie. There’s no way I’m basically almost 30, I keep telling myself. But I am. And it feels… weird. Up until now, I always considered our early twenties as a sort of test-drive for ‘actual’ adulthood because all the freedom and responsibility feels new. At age 21, you can finally legally buy your own alcohol. Age 23, you can finally rent a car by yourself. Age 25, well, what the hell was that even about? Age 26, however, I heard a metaphorical clock start ticking in the back of my mind, letting me know that my days of failing-forward through my early twenties were coming to an end. Up until now, I’ve pretty much been winging adulthood. I don’t have many rolemodels to demonstrate the do’s and don’t’s of adulting. I’m not close with many adults who have the capacity to provide a facet of guidance. I’ve become accustomed to observing and digesting–observing the failures my older peers endure, then digesting them as a means to prevent them from happening to me in any way. On the other hand, I’ve observed many of my older peers succeeding. I’ve seen them buy houses, graduate college, start nuclear families, open businesses, and thrive as their authentic selves. Whether I’ve thought to myself wow, I want to be just like that or wow, I hope to never be like that, one thing is for certain: I’ve created my own survival guide. That survival guide has gotten me to this point, but I fear I’m on its last pages and there is no Volume 2.
If I could sum up my 26th year of life in one word, it’d be ‘chaotic’. My life has never been a linear path of improvement and satisfaction–I experience periods of overwhelming success, then overwhelming failure and struggle. It’s something I’ve become quite adaptive to, so much so that I’ve started looking forward to the lessons which come from struggle. Year 26, though? This was different. When I turned 26, I had what felt like a steady job, steady income, a peaceful neighborhood + home life, a decent circle of friends, and a booming romantic life. When I closed the 26th chapter, it was after months of unemployment and financial struggle, a messy and drama-filled home life due to terrible neighbors, a dwindling circle of people in my corner, and a romantic life that feels impossibly exhausting.
Oh, how the tide changes, right? Regardless, that’s not the point. The purpose of my birthday blog is not to dwell on the many challenges I faced, or the struggles I endured. I’m not here to trash-talk my 26th year, because no matter what I’ve faced, I am filled with immense joy and gratitude to have lived through it all.
I’m writing this because I want to talk to you about how my birthday went, give lovely shoutouts to my gift-givers (y’all really showed me love this year), and talk about what’s coming with age 27. I’ll save the deep reflective stuff for my journal–we’ll keep it cute here, I promise.
So, my uncle (my mom’s only brother), I’m unsure of his age, just had his first baby. In the past, if you mentioned the words ‘Uncle DeWayne’ and ‘baby’ to me in the same sentence, I would have laughed in your face. I never imagined my uncle being a father, though it never crossed my mind. So, when my mom shared him and his baby mama’s baby registry in the groupchat, I was perplexed and surprised. I still bought the cheapest gift listed, anyway.
My mom is 1 of 3 children, and the only one who’s given my grandma her beloved grandbabies, and a great-grandbaby if we’re counting my contribution with Baby Z. As you can guess, my uncle introducing a new grandbaby to the family is sort of a big deal, and that’s why my auntie paid for my grandma’s flight to Michigan so she could meet the baby and my uncle’s new family. It just so happened that the intended visitation date fell on the weekend of my birthday. I was bummed. Not because they were all going to Michigan on my birthday, but because my grandma’s absence pretty much stripped me of worry-free babysitting opportunities during my birthday weekend. You’re probably thinking, ‘wow that’s pretty selfish’. You’re damn right. I reserve my right to be selfish when it comes to my birthday because it’s the only day I’m allowed to be, and that’s a concept I’ll never stray away from. After a day or two, I charged it to the game. I’d have to spend my actual birthday with Baby Z in my face and in my space without pause, and postpone birthday funtivities for another weekend, no big deal.
Then my auntie texted me asking if I wanted to go to Detroit with my grandma. She offered to pay for the flight for both me and Baby Z. I would be a fool to deny a free flight to my hometown on my birthday. I whine about missing Detroit all the time, so I jumped at the opportunity. As I looked over the flight confirmation my auntie forwarded to me, I made soft-plans for the trip: we’d arrive Friday night, sleep off our travel, then Saturday morning (my birthday) I’d treat myself to a nice breakfast, lounge around the AirBnB, and then go with the family to meet the new baby. Afterward, I’d get very sexy and explore around the city, stopping to see some family and old friends. At night, I’d plan something fun and nightlife-friendly, fully crossfaded from wine and legal weed. That Sunday, I’d do absolutely nothing except lounge around, smoke weed, and bask in the crisp Detroit air until it was time to go to the airport. I was excited. That’s when my mom called and said she was planning a surprise party to honor my grandma that Saturday (my birthday). I want to circle back to selfishness–I felt like my day was getting hijacked. I completely understand why she’d want to honor my grandma (gotta give flowers while they’re still here), but damn! On MY day? I wasn’t too happy about it for a few days, ranting about it to my friends and therapist. I eventually got over it, of course. Since I knew a vast part of my day was booked, I decided to make the best of it. The least I could do was look stunning and feel gorgeous.
The party/my birthday (Oct. 12)
I spent Saturday morning taking my time getting ready. Baby Z had gone with my mom to run last-minute errands for grandma’s party. This granted me the option of a stress-free beauty session, which was a great birthday gift. Your makeup will always turn out prettier when you don’t have to worry about a 6-year-old. Since our departure flight was delayed more than 5 times and we didn’t arrive in Detroit until 1AM that Saturday morning, I’m sure you can imagine I was already feeling a bit tiresome. That didn’t stop me from beating my face and throwing on an outfit full of my favorite clothing pieces. I felt gorgeous, and I felt ready to tackle my birthday. I was given the task of keeping my grandma distracted as my mom, sisters, and auntie prepared the party. When we finally got to the venue, it was lovely to see so much of my family in the same room. I hadn’t seen that in a while. There was a large spread of Mediterranean food (one of my faves), 2 cakes (1 for me, 1 for my grandma), and a series of sparkling waters (for me, even if they won’t admit it), candy, and desserts. Everyone showered my grandma in love, and I even got a birthday card from my big cousin Kesia. My little sister got me a gift as well. I feel like this was the first time my family saw me as a real adult–that I was finally taken seriously. Even my uncle, who has practically infantilized me since I was an actual infant, mentioned that I was ‘finally grown’. That felt cool.
The party was fun, but after several hours, I was ready to do my own thing. I was ready to go out and be seen. But I didn’t have any plans. There were no big events to go to, and my recollection of cool spots in the city were limited–with all the infrastructure innovation and gentrified additions, Detroit almost felt like a new city to me. I decided to go to my auntie Linda’s house. They were supposed to be at the party but didn’t make it. I chose to go over there because they’re (my uncle, aunt, and big cousin ReRe) the only family members I can smoke with.
…And that’s pretty much it. My cousin gave me some of her old clothes (she’s a reformed-ish shopaholic who wears the same size as me, and loves ridding her closet of unworn clothes and shoes), my Uncle Cedric gave me some birthday cash, and my auntie Linda shared a few laughs with us over a blunt. My cousin took me to the dispensary for some birthday prerolls and we stopped at Coney Island. We poured us some wine and just talked and talked. It was a really nice time, but nothing like what I envisioned. When I finally got home (around midnight), I was crossfaded and exhausted. I wiped off my makeup, slipped on my bonnet, and fell into a deep rest. I expected to sleep in on Sunday, remember? Didn’t happen. My grandma (also staying at the AirBNB) was so loud in the wee hours of the morning, I had no choice but to cancel my sleep-in fantasy. Then I was told we were going to church. Uh.
I’ll save all the religion talk for a different post, but what I will say is I had no intention of attending. Especially since our flight required us to be at the airport at 4pm. I needed every sliver of my day to relax in the city. Don’t get me wrong–I love my home church. It’s always so cool when I go and see the congregation’s eyes light up when they realize Little Z blossomed into a voluptuous, stunning woman. Pastor always delivers an amazing sermon that makes me cry. But I was hungover like crazy. I was dehydrated as hell, tired as hell, and did not want to go to church. To sum this up… I went anyway. After service, we all came back to our AirBNB and had some brief family-time before we all said our goodbyes and left for the airport.
My birthday went nothing like expected, but the main upside to all of it is the fact I was a stone-cold fox, and that I was back home in the city I love. That, in reality, felt like enough to me. And I could always make up for my lack of plans during the rest of the month. Halloween is my favorite holiday, after all. Since I had no plans, all I had time to do was journal and reflect about 26: reflect and make ‘plans’ for my next year of life and what I expect of it.
Before I create a space of (what is essentially) vulnerable manifestation, I want to hit the ‘pause’ button and do 2 things: shout out everyone who got me a birthday gift, and remind the masses of my protection and power. I keep my plans and manifestations close to my chest, because I am more than aware of a few lurking eyes who wish me and my life nothing but harm. I am aware of the haters who mask as supporters, and the power they believe they possess over me by holding onto that nastiness. Unfortunately (for them), I rebuke all of that negative mess and have protected myself, my life, and my family from any potential harm or ill wishes. Return to sender, baby, return to sender!
And now, birthday shout outs!
The Amazon wishlist was a last-minute thing, because my therapist suggested I at least admit receiving gifts would mean a lot to me. She was right, as usual. I wasn’t too excited for my birthday this year (a FIRST, I know!) because I was surrounded by struggle and anxiety for where I’d end up the remainder of this year and beyond. But when I published that wishlist (with the most mundane, cheap little gifts, mind you) and I got word some of my followers actually purchased some… my little heart skipped with joy like normal. I cannot believe the amount of love I was shown. Though all of my listed items were <$20 and pretty boring… Y’all don’t understand the struggle has truly been real, and I could not purchase these cheap, mundane items for myself in quite some time. This really felt like a blessing.
That’s why each of my gift-givers deserve their own section of my birthday blog.
To Binta:
Thank you for my makeup brushes! My current ones are old as dirt, and are becoming somewhat immune to my cleanings. I broke in those new brushes for my birthday, and that’s probably why my look came out so flawlessly. You contributed to the making of a baddie. You have always been a great friend, and I adore your brilliant self!
To Toni:
These UV press-on nails are the best press-ons I’ve EVER had. I put them on the very day I received them, and they are still going strong. They’re natural-looking and gorgeous and very durable. I am so grateful! You also purchased my sexy lingerie. Since this is my free/public blog, I won’t share where I expect to wear them, but GIRL. I tried them both on… they fit like a glove and my Halloween costumes (2 of 3) are gonna be elevated to another level. I’ve always felt so grateful having you on my TL to remind me to ‘hate men’ and get my protein intake going. You are a fitness inspiration. Perhaps one day, my thighs will be as defined and strong as yours. I doubt it, but the idea is cool.
To Britney (Bee):
You have no idea how much I’ve already used my fountain pens! I’ve always said I want fountain pens so I can feel ‘official’ when I journal, and you fulfilled that for me! I’m hopping in my Shakesperian bag every time I have journal time and I LOVE it. It’s giving Bridgerton–am I Lady Whistledown? Perhaps. I also gasped the first time I drew on my iPad with the paper-feel screen protector. It literally feels like I’m doodling in my notebook, and it’s made my recent designs come out flawlessly! When I decide to relaunch Guru Fashion with some of my designs, I wanna gift you a t-shirt. Just remind me. I GOT you. Thank you so much for making my special day just a little more special! You are the coolest!!!!!!
To Curtis:
I’m sure you were like ‘what the heck’ when you saw costume alien antennae on my list. Your note said to have an ‘out of the world birthday’, but little did you know… I plan to have an out of this world Halloween! Expect pics that include these lovely little antennae. Thank you so much for making me feel special and seen for my birthday! Sending you love!!
To Zarria:
OOH WEEEEEEE. I’ve always wanted to transition to the UV nail life and let me tell you…. My life has certainly changed. I’ve used these nail polishes + the UV light a million times since they were delivered, and I will NEVER go back. You are part of the reason my nails and toes were flawless my entire birthday weekend. I’m so honored you got these for me!! Thank you!!!
To Cecilia:
My luv!!!!!!! You’ve always been a top-tier supporter and internet friend. I adore you and all you’ve given to me and my content. With these gifts, you’ve contributed to my Halloween looks, and I’m sure you know Halloween is my favorite holiday. You’ve made two special days even MORE special, and I can’t wait to post pics (as you requested). Trust me, it’s gonna be GREAT, and I’m so so excited! Don’t tell anyone, but I was more excited/anxious about my Halloween items than anything else. You know I’m a sucker for a little fake gore and a little costume time! I love you back, I love you deep!!!!!! Thank you!
To Iya:
I bet you didn’t think this little bottle of latex was about to create a few Halloween looks that’ll blow everyone’s minds. Lol. You have no idea how I jumped for joy when I opened my package. Thank you so much for making my spooky heart twinkle! You’re the greatest!!!!!
To Bria:
It’s so silly that I posted an Instagram story wearing one of the bonnets, loudly and proudly thanking the anonymous sender because I love them so much. The whole time, it was you, my forest fairy!!! You have no idea how bonnet-deprived I was, and how desperately I needed some, but couldn’t prioritize a purchase. I love these bonnets. I keep one under my pillow, one in my car, and one in my sock drawer. They are roomy and durable as hell! You have no idea how something so lame has improved my life (and my hair maintenance, if we’re being real). A simple scarf around my edges was no longer cutting it, hahaha. Thanks for keeping your gift purchase a secret, and thanks for being a good friend who I love and cherish VERY much!
To Tishera:
Oh my goodness, this carryon bag was a last-minute addition that I was hoping to receive before my trip back home, and you came through!!!!!!! Thank you!!! This bag was exactly what I needed, and ended up holding so many outfits and necessities for my birthday trip. Without this gift, I would have had to use the only other size-compliant bag I have, which is wayyyyy smaller, and I wouldn’t have been able to bring some of my things to/from Detroit! Thank you for gifting me! This bag will be in heavy rotation moving forward, I SWEAR! Lol
To Ina:
Ina, Ina, Ina. You know how much I adore you and your stability as an internet friend and year-long supporter. Speaking of stability, I can now confidently drop my phone. Don’t get me wrong, I drop my phone a million times throughout the day already, but with this brand new, supa durable phone case, I no longer have the worry of my phone being damaged. You are simply the greatest; such a sweet soul who deserves everything. Thank you for making my day more special!
To Tammy:
My literal chosen big sister who supports everything I do! I know this is a birthday-thank you, but I want to take time to say how much I love you and how immensely proud of you I am. I’m forever holding a space for you and yours in my heart, and I am so grateful that you’re a part of my life! Thank you for being there for me and loving me deep.
To Celia:
You being the last gift purchaser is so on-brand for you, because you’ve always come through with that kind of sturdy, solidifying energy. Whether it’s a retweet or a comment, you remind me that the content I put out is in fact loved and seen by someone, and I’m so grateful for that. Your presence in my life means a lot, and I’m so grateful you thought of me! I’m gonna paint my body yellow for Halloween thanks to you!!!!! Luv you!
To everyone who blessed my Cashapp:
That money went to bills I fell behind on since being unemployed. LOL. Thank you so much! Being able to stop some of those ‘payment failed’ emails was certainly a splendid gift. I know the economy is super trash right now, so thank you for giving me some of your hard-earned funds. This does NOT go unnoticed. I appreciate y’all so, so much! ($itsmamaz)
To everyone who commented birthday wishes on my posts:
Thank you so much for sending me love and making me feel seen and cherished for my special day! I love the support you all have shown me, and I hope everything I publish reflects my care for my audience.
May each and every one of you have splendid days that leave you full of joy and appreciation for life.
Xo, Z
Some of you have asked me to put more gifts on my birthday wishlist, so I added a few more items from my original cart that are <$20. Of course, my cashapp is always open ($itsmamaz), too. Thank you!
I'm 27!
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I'm 27! 〰️
Now let’s talk about year 27 and what I ‘need’ that to look like.
Of course, it’s easy to fantasize and plan. I can do that all I want, but I’ve grown accustomed to God/the Universe doing whatever the hell they want to do anyway. Because of my life’s fluctuations, I don’t usually maintain many steadfast goals that are unchangeable or unshakeable. However, in light of my new age being super grown and super serious, I’ve decided to place a little more intention into the upcoming year. Again, I’m using this post as a sort of personal manifestation tool and a Pinterest-esque board for those of you who are not yet 27, want to reminisce on 27, or just want a glimpse into my wonky brain.
Livelihood:
As many of you know, I moved into some new apartments a few years ago. Going from a very dirty (with trash, rodents, and insects) apartment with loud and careless neighbors who steal packages, to a quiet + clean apartment complex with kind neighbors, a competent staff, and a secure front porch felt like such a blessing. It is still such a blessing, but lately I’ve been feeling like I’ve outgrown this space. The longer I stay here, the more this apartment’s quality goes down. My once quiet neighbors have been replaced with drug-dealing party-people who neglect their children’s wild behaviors. My once humble and happy home has started feeling suffocating, like there isn’t enough space for me or my things. It’s starting to take a toll on me. I feel I’ve grown a little too comfortable in this place. I want more room for my daughter and I, and I deserve that. One of my goals is to move to a new apartment; a bigger apartment. One that allows us to spread our legs without bumping into the nearest piece of furniture. One that doesn’t require us to continuously downsize and minimize our treasures. One that doesn’t get messy so easily from lack of space for our items. I also plan to pay off the rest of my car this year. I only have less than 20 bi-weekly payments left (as outlined in this post), but if I fast-track the process, I can get it all paid much sooner. Living without a car note would be splendid! Regarding my health, I want to continue doing what I’m doing, but with more intent. Sure, I’ve started eating smaller portions, but my gym sessions have drastically declined. I feel like I always maintain one or the other: either I’m at the gym often, or I eat better. What happens if I do both at once? Will my fitness goals finally be a reality? An achievable one?
When it comes to my livelihood, I am officially focused on prolonging my life and making it comfortable for both my daughter and I.
Career:
I’ve been out of work since May 2024: unexpectedly laid off the morning of my first off-day in months. I was laid off just shy of a month after a big promotion. It threw my life into a tizzy, and I’ve been hustling and scraping by ever since. It’s been hard, but there aren’t many challenges I’m unable to solve my way out of. I’m resilient like that, but there’s nothing I crave more right than stability. I don’t want to hustle day in and day out for my next meal. I don’t want a temporary job whose duties are ever-changing and vast. I don’t want to be a disposable employee of a start-up who doesn’t know the direction they want the company to go. I want a stable job that will plummet me into the abyss of schedules, time-management, and responsibility. I need something sturdy right now. Luckily, I have that now. I got my offer letter the day before my birthday, and it feels like the perfect gift. This role is consistent and sturdy with room for growth. The workplace culture is not overwhelming with hierarchical politics. To keep it simple, this job feels like the complete opposite of my last job, and that’s all I asked for on my job hunt. I’m grateful for new horizons, but incredibly nervous. I haven’t worked away from home in a very long time. It will take some adjusting to balance my business/writing and parenthood/livelihood with this new job, but I’m up for a challenge of adaptability. I’m super grown now, aren’t I?
Parenthood:
My closeness to Baby Z continues to grow daily. I couldn’t ask for a better opportunity to illuminate my flaws and pressure me to correct them. She tests my patience, she tests my ability to prioritize, and she grows my desire to improve. As she gets older, I know these are memories she will start to remember for a lifetime. I want them to be good memories, which is why I plan to dive even further into my parenthood in the upcoming year. I feel sometimes it’s easy to get lost in the hustle and bustle of life: after a long day of delivering food and groceries, it’s hard for mama to focus on our mommy/daughter show. Sometimes Mama’s too tired to read a bedtime story. I feel a continuance of this will harm our relationship. My plan to correct this is simple–if I have to adjust to a new schedule with new prioritized responsibilities, I will simply add Z to that list. I will treat her as a structured investment, where I MUST read with her and play with her. All this to say, I want to be more intentional with my parenthood. I think Baby Z deserves the best of me, and though she’s not getting the worst of me, I feel there’s always a way to improve so that our relationship is close-knit and beautiful as she ages. I’m new to healthy mommy/daughter relationships, so I’m trying my best. But my best can always be better.
Love Life:
Hahahaha, wouldn’t you like to know? All those juicy details about my current love interest(s) and journey in polyamory can be found on my 21+ blog. Enter if you dare, but that stuff isn’t meant for my free/public blog. Sorry (kinda). Just know it’s a little hectic over there.
So to year 27, I’m ready for you and all you bring. I’m ready for the growth. I’m ready for the change. I’m ready to see who I become and I’m ready to evolve into a newer version of myself. I’m immensely grateful that life has carried me this far, and I’m grateful for new experiences to learn, love, and breathe.
Thanks for reading.
Z