The Purge
I finally let myself cry this morning–
it’s always the connections that sneak up on me. I didn’t want to date him–I was just having fun–and I’d spent the last 24-hours convincing myself that our abrupt ending didn’t impact me. ‘We weren’t even serious’, I told myself. ‘We were both talking to other people’, I repeated. And this was true–we hadn’t spoken about exclusivity or future plans moving forward. We weren’t even friends at first, just casual acquaintances who met last October. One day, we hung at my house. It was a casual attempt to see if we could vibe as friends. We played State of Decay on my Xbox for 5 hours and talked about everything our minds came up with. It was free-flowing and authentic. It was genuine and fun. And we both welcomed more visits and quality time afterward. When he first wrapped his arm around me to pull me closer, I felt butterflies. There was something so attractive about this man; how our connection felt like electricity and I didn’t even have to try. Our complex dating lives aside, I was willing to live in the moment. But living in the moment is easy until you have sex. Maybe that’s where we went wrong.
Sex complicates things, especially if one (or both) of you are scared of communicating and expressing your feelings fully. Because of our dating situations and the fact we didn’t plan to feel an emotional + romantic connection, I think we both missed several opportunities to be honest and follow our feelings. I still can’t pinpoint my feelings past the fact I really liked him. I liked him enough to let him come over, to hang with me on my errands, to hear me ugly-laugh, to see me cry. I liked him enough to let him use my shower, to claim my extra toothbrush, to be the first extra body in my bed in a year. I loved our time together–the energy we created together was intoxicating, flooding into my bloodstream like a drug I’d gotten addicted to. Adding the sex to it–the intense eye contact and mutual moaning, the reassurances that we felt so good, the smiles and giggles as we came for each other–it amplified our emotions in a way we weren’t prepared for. There was so much promise in our connection, but perhaps we flew too close to the sun.